Tips for caring for aging parents

Caring for a parent is like a puzzle, you have to put together the pieces to find solutions.  It is a mystery that needs solving.  

Discovery is a key element in caregiving.  You need to find out what makes them tick.  What do they like, dislike?  How do they respond to you when you talk to them?  What makes them smile or become angry?

Humans communicate with words and language, however aging parents often ignore what we ask them, or say to them.  This may because we believe they are stubborn, set in their ways, but if there is dementia they may not be able to respond or understand what we say.  There may be hearing difficulties as well.

For example, I believe that dementia is similar to autism in that words often will be ineffective.  A better approach is to use pictures, and visual cues, as your parent may see things differently, as a picture.  You have to SEE their environment through their eyes as there may be obstacles there. 

My father consistently behaved badly after dinner.  He could not rest in his room, which he normally enjoyed, and even sometimes reacted violently towards me, screaming at me for no apparent reason.  

I looked in his room to see what could be the problem.  It looked okay on the surface, but then I looked further. I discovered that the afternoon twilight sun made shadows throughout  the room, and this may have frightened him.  We made a game of turning on a light in every room BEFORE it got dark before we ate dinner.  This eased him, and he settled down to his evening activities.  (I will discuss sundown syndrome in a future blog post)

His behavior was also affected by watching the news.  At the beginning he kept the news station on 24-7.  I noticed he became agitated and prone to anger.  The pictures on the news had a negative impact on how he handled the information.  We limited the news to half hour a day, and then left the tv on the food channel to keep him company.

He liked background noise, and the more pleasant images were relaxing.

You will need a firm foundation to be successful in your caregiving, whether you are in the beginning stages or further along. 

Here are some tips for creating stability and a good foundation:

1.  Make a list of things you notice that make your parent happy.

Is there a favorite food they enjoy?  Do they respond to art, or pictures?  For example, you may notice they look at a sculpture in the library, or a picture of a loved one on the wall or bookshelf. Do they respond to animals they have or one that is passing by on the street?

2.  Make a list of what upsets or angers your parent.

Do certain noises upset them?

How do they respond to anger, or when you raise your voice?

Are they afraid of heights, people in stores?

Notice how their behavior changes negative or positive.

If they watch tv constantly, what people/programs do they enjoy?  Is there a common theme?  

Do they prefer fresh air, or a walk through the park? 

What are their favorite colors?

3. Use music to calm and motivate.  Experiment with different types of music to find out what calms and what brings joy.  Then when frustration sets in you can turn on the music.

My father initially hated going out of the house.  When we got in the car, he became angry, and distracted me from paying attention to the road. One time he was delusional, sure another car was chasing us.  I solved this problem by chance.  I put in a CD and began singing along.  I gave him the chorus verse to sing along with.  He could not remember the words, but would just give a ya ya ya.  It worked, and we sang together and drove to wherever we needed to go peacefully.

When your parent responds to you it is magical. With some detective work and patience you can create a new positive relationship with your parents as you care for them in their golden years.

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Introduction to caring for parents

 

Taking care of an aging parent is one of the hardest tasks you may have to face in your lifetime.  More and more people reaching their age of retirement are plagued with this issue. 

Many questions arise.  Do I put my mother/father in a home?  Do I move them in with me?  Are they really okay by themselves, as they insist?  Do they eat meals? Take their medication properly?  Are they nuts, or do they have Alzheimer's or dementia?  

Should they drive?  Are they even safe?  How can I protect them?

These are some of the questions that arise as our parents age.  I chose to leave my residence, and move in and take care of my father when he needed me after my mother died.  He was heartbroken and all alone.  I could not, did not want to say no.

 We can assist our loved ones in a manner that honors ourselves as well as gives them a quality of life with dignity, happiness, and most of all love.  The posts to follow will reflect this approach.

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*This blog is not intented as a substitute for medical advice.  Always consult your medical professionals with the care of your parents.

Are we a child forever in our parents' eyes?

I often hear from clients, colleagues, and friends who are either caring for their parents, or thinking about caring for them that their parents are stubborn, and will absolutely not make the simplest of changes.  How then, can they possible help them?  They tell me, “My Mom will not change, my Dad refuses to listen to me.”

A typical aging parent may just watch television for most of the day.  They may not want to do something simple like take a walk, or go shopping, or even try new foods.They seem glued to the tv or computer.  You beg, plead, insist, and nothing happens.What can you do besides give up?

Your parent may feel that they are the decision maker.  You are their child.  What they say goes, and there is no discussion or argument.  This is common for parents of baby boomers. 

 My father was a contradiction of emotions.  He would be very cooperative, insisting that I make any changes that were necessary, and then throw a fit when I made a change that affected him.   Here I was living with my father, wanting to make his life better, and he seemed resentful, angry, and lost.  I expected my father to be a certain way, and he was not.  He was mean, demanding and difficult to live with.  

What happens to our parents--is there some universal rule, that keeps them thinking we are a child forever? 

To have a successful and healthy relationship while you are caring for your aging parent you need to release the roles of parent and child.  You have to choose to see it differently. They will no longer be the person who protects, nurtures, or cares for you.   It becomes necessary to grief the loss of your parent, as a parent.

This is a hard task, but changes the relationship immediately.  The parent will not change, but as you realize this, it becomes easier to be patient and release expectations.  Then, like a small miracle, the parent will cooperate.

The second important change is a corollary of the first.  Sometimes you just have to act, on your own recognizance, without permission.  

 For example, just tell them what you expect.  Mom, Dad, get dressed now.  We are going out to breakfast....for a walk....to see the neighbors.  No argument is necessary, just help them go, whether they go peacefully or begrudgingly.  Pick an activity you know they will like.  

You will be surprised.    Once they are out they will enjoy the activity.  Repeat this activity again on a regular basis to establish a routine.  Pretty soon they will be asking you when it is time to go out. 

Small decisions can be made in the house as well.  Do things gradually, a little at a time, so that your parent is not overwhelmed. 

My story: I have never been a war mogul, advocating violence against violence.  It doesn’t work anyways.  My father had been beaten as a child, for god knows what, it seems the smallest infraction.  I reacted badly in the early days, yelling back at my father when he yelled at me.  It never helps, let me assure you.  My father never improved his behavior from our fighting it out. It was always, it is always a battle of the egos... who wins.  I wanted so badly to win against my little old father.  But he had a will of steel and never, NEVER would give up his position or stance. So the beginning days and weeks were shaky, with some progress in getting along, and then other days were just simply awful. I had to look inside of myself, to ask some hard questions, to see if if I was doing the right thing in being with my father. Was I helping the situation?  Was I ruining my life?  What about my father, was there something wrong with his brain, making his behavior erratic? Or was I just an overprotective daughter? The real question was why I was there.  Deep down inside I did want to help my father be well again, mentally, and have him lead a good life, in his very senior years.  He was 85 years old.   I also wanted a father, a father that I never had growing up.  Someone to love me unconditionally, protect me from harm’s way, and just someone to lean on.   I discovered that in taking care of my father I had to love him unconditionally, and release the expectation that it would be a certain way.

Healing ourselves with mind power

“Mentally create the world you wish with your mind and your brain will physically adapt”. Rudi Tanzi

It isn't  pseudoscience anymore.  You can heal your body using your mind. Scientific research now has proven that your brain can influence your body.  The science has uncovered how our thoughts heal us.  What we think affects our body, every cell we have.  

Neuroscientists are working with brain imaging, to measure how meditation influences different areas of the brain.  Mindfulness can help anxiety, lower blood pressure, increase lung capacity, and improve immunity function. It reduces pain, increases concentration, and often quiets the mind.   

How do you begin to make these changes?  

1. The first step is AWARENESS, being conscious of our body’s processes.  Our bodies are constantly working to heal and correct imbalances.  Every moment of every day our bodies strive to be in balance, or homeostasis.  When something is out of balance, the cells, tissues, organs, and various systems work in tandem to correct or heal what has occurred.

2. Secondly, you can use the BREATH to bring you in present moment and awareness.  Taking deep, slow breaths oxygenates your cells, necessary for optimum health.  There are many wonderful visualizations and guided meditations to help you deepen your breath that are free on You Tube. It can also be as simple as inhaling for the count of seven, pausing, then exhaling for the count of seven.  You will immediately notice changes as you breath deeply: your heart rate slows, a peace surfaces.

3.  LISTEN to your body…identify what needs to be healed.  Do you need to heal an injury?  Reduce pain?  Calm your mind?  Access your creativity?

See your cells, tissues, organs and systems working at optimum.   Go to the area of concern and focus light there.  Stay as long as needed in the area.  Keep filling the area with light, or just image the area healing, being free of pain.

4.  AFFIRM that you are healing, that you are well.  Repeating a simple phrase of sentence throughout the day, or even writing it out changes the thought process by having you focus on the healing rather than the pain.  

The more positive thoughts you have actually changes the biochemistry in the brain.  For more information on this a good book to read is Super Brain, by Deepak Chopra and Rudi Tanzi. Rudi Tanzi, a neurosurgeon says, “Mentally create the world you wish with your mind and your brain will physically adapt”. 

Emotions can improve our memory

Neuroscientist Tanzi suggests,

"Mentally create the world you wish with your mind and your brain will physically adapt.” 

Neuroscientists have discovered that we are not our brains, but rather we are the users of our brain.  Through practices like mindfulness you can train your brain to be more creative, expressive, and function clearly.

The limbic system regulates both our emotions and our short term memory. By cultivating our emotions, allowing ourselves to express our happiness, sadness and other emotions we are actually building our short term memory.

Aging parents - getting them to drink water

Drinking water is essential for our aging parents. 

Often times it is difficult to get a parent to drink enough water without even the threat of the summer heat warnings.   As a caregiver, this can be a daunting task.  You repeatedly put water in front of them, and they just ignore it or take the smallest sip and leave it alone.  They just don’t want to drink it.  

How can you get your parent to drink water, and make sure they stay hydrated?  There are several ways I got my father to drink water when I was his live-in caregiver.   Every time he finished a glass of water ( four oz size) he marked it on a list, or a chart that he made.  This appealed to his nature as a former engineer and project manager.  He felt he was accomplishing something.  Even though he had some dementia, I worked with his strengths and what I knew brought him joy.  

Plus there was a bonus:  if he drank the recommended amount of water daily he got a surprise.  The surprise might be a favorite candy, or dessert, or a lottery ticket or scratcher.  It might include watching a favorite movie, or tv show.   I often had an end of the week special bonus prize as well which was a special trip to a store, or a meal out, or a pizza.  

With a heat index that is often dangerous in many cities across the nation in the summer, and temperatures reaching well over a 100 degrees, it is necessary to make sure our parents are drinking sufficient water to stay hydrated, and avoid heat fatigue and stroke.

Caregiving is a stressful job, whether you are the son or daughter, relative, or hired professional.  Here are some additional tips to make the work smoother:

1. Emphasize your parent’s strong suits.  Keep them engaged with a daily fun project or outing that they can look forward to.  Easy crafts, making greeting cards, listening or playing music, are some ideas that break up the day from the drudgery of doctor visits and taking meds.  
2. Take them to the library, or a senior center where they can share time having lunch with other seniors.  Most senior centers will have fun activities and easy exercises to engage your parent.  BINGO is often a favorite.
3. Don’t worry so much what your parent can and can’t do.  Focus on what they can achieve and assist them in the process.  
4. Take care of yourself.  Loving kindness and compassion for yourself as well as your parents is a must.  Mindfulness meditation - as simple as taking ten minutes at a time to quiet your mind can be very helpful to strengthen your heart, resolve, and see what a gift it is to care for your parent.  

My Father's Slippers Chapter 1

My Father's Slippers (upcoming book on caring for aging parents in a mindful way)

by Jennifer Marshall

Chapter 1- Father’s day- June 19th

Holidays are the hardest, naturally. Especially Father's day.  I am sad, filled with emptiness, rather than memories.

There is good in my life, but it does not take away the hurt, the loss inside.  My father has died.  He is gone.  Life divides, the reality and the perception are separate.  It seems that I am the only one without a father.  The television stations have prepared hours of ‘fantasy’ fathers day show— Father Knows Best, Leave it to Beaver, and it seems even Dennis the Menace has a wonderful father.  The screen is filled with images of beautiful slim mothers, hair done up, adorned in ironed aprons waiting for father to come home to celebrate with the family.

In order to distract myself from my unending grief, I go to dance fitness class. Even there I am reminded of missing my father.  Our dance instructor’s father is visiting town and he is dancing along with the class, albeit rather clumsily, wearing a suit and tie much like the perfect fathers on tv today.  Our teacher is young, witty, and pokes fun at his father’s attempts to following his leads.  We dance swing steps, the Charleston, the waltz, and the mambo— my personal favorite, in time to music of all eras and generations, from 40’s music all the way to Lady Gaga’s Born this Way.  It is so much fun, and great cardio. I can see the wonderful connection my teacher has with his father. 

After class I return home, and the ecstatic feeling of dancing leaves me.

I am sad once again, alone in the house that he left me.  

I work idly on my computer but I can't seem to concentrate.  I head out to the garage to get some supplies in the closet and I see a pile of shoe boxes.  I take a stack in the house, happy in the moment, knowing that a good pair of shoes I have forgotten will undoubtedly make me feel better.  I open the first box and I am surprised to see my father’s slippers.  During the extensive sales of his possessions I had tucked them away for safekeeping.  

The slippers were his favorite— suede, well worn in brown leather, with soft laces.  My cat loved them so much we had to keep them in the closet at night so that she would not chew them up.  Yes, the cat, not the dog.  

I put them on, slowly, and walk around the house.  My spirit lifts.  I feel my father in my heart, as I paddle around the house in his slippers. My heart fills with joy.