Are we a child forever in our parents' eyes?

I often hear from clients, colleagues, and friends who are either caring for their parents, or thinking about caring for them that their parents are stubborn, and will absolutely not make the simplest of changes.  How then, can they possible help them?  They tell me, “My Mom will not change, my Dad refuses to listen to me.”

A typical aging parent may just watch television for most of the day.  They may not want to do something simple like take a walk, or go shopping, or even try new foods.They seem glued to the tv or computer.  You beg, plead, insist, and nothing happens.What can you do besides give up?

Your parent may feel that they are the decision maker.  You are their child.  What they say goes, and there is no discussion or argument.  This is common for parents of baby boomers. 

 My father was a contradiction of emotions.  He would be very cooperative, insisting that I make any changes that were necessary, and then throw a fit when I made a change that affected him.   Here I was living with my father, wanting to make his life better, and he seemed resentful, angry, and lost.  I expected my father to be a certain way, and he was not.  He was mean, demanding and difficult to live with.  

What happens to our parents--is there some universal rule, that keeps them thinking we are a child forever? 

To have a successful and healthy relationship while you are caring for your aging parent you need to release the roles of parent and child.  You have to choose to see it differently. They will no longer be the person who protects, nurtures, or cares for you.   It becomes necessary to grief the loss of your parent, as a parent.

This is a hard task, but changes the relationship immediately.  The parent will not change, but as you realize this, it becomes easier to be patient and release expectations.  Then, like a small miracle, the parent will cooperate.

The second important change is a corollary of the first.  Sometimes you just have to act, on your own recognizance, without permission.  

 For example, just tell them what you expect.  Mom, Dad, get dressed now.  We are going out to breakfast....for a walk....to see the neighbors.  No argument is necessary, just help them go, whether they go peacefully or begrudgingly.  Pick an activity you know they will like.  

You will be surprised.    Once they are out they will enjoy the activity.  Repeat this activity again on a regular basis to establish a routine.  Pretty soon they will be asking you when it is time to go out. 

Small decisions can be made in the house as well.  Do things gradually, a little at a time, so that your parent is not overwhelmed. 

My story: I have never been a war mogul, advocating violence against violence.  It doesn’t work anyways.  My father had been beaten as a child, for god knows what, it seems the smallest infraction.  I reacted badly in the early days, yelling back at my father when he yelled at me.  It never helps, let me assure you.  My father never improved his behavior from our fighting it out. It was always, it is always a battle of the egos... who wins.  I wanted so badly to win against my little old father.  But he had a will of steel and never, NEVER would give up his position or stance. So the beginning days and weeks were shaky, with some progress in getting along, and then other days were just simply awful. I had to look inside of myself, to ask some hard questions, to see if if I was doing the right thing in being with my father. Was I helping the situation?  Was I ruining my life?  What about my father, was there something wrong with his brain, making his behavior erratic? Or was I just an overprotective daughter? The real question was why I was there.  Deep down inside I did want to help my father be well again, mentally, and have him lead a good life, in his very senior years.  He was 85 years old.   I also wanted a father, a father that I never had growing up.  Someone to love me unconditionally, protect me from harm’s way, and just someone to lean on.   I discovered that in taking care of my father I had to love him unconditionally, and release the expectation that it would be a certain way.